Random joke from this category
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much."
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
You Might be a Marine Wife if:
- Why are you so upset?
- My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.
- So what?
- So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'.
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman?
→ Desperate!
This man says to his friend, "I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
