Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
→ Nobody will look for them.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

How is a judge like an English teacher?
→ They both hand out long sentences.

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
→ Odor, Odor in the court!!!

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you — your equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.

The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a lawyer!"

The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

When is an English teacher like a judge?
→ When she hands out long sentences.

Who is the most powerful ghoul?
→ Judge Dread.