Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
→ Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

What do lawyers do after they die?
→ They lie still.

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.

- Lawyer: Let me give you my honest opinion.

- Client: No, no. I'm paying for professional advice.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
→ Other lawyers look interested.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
→ You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
→ New Jersey had first choice.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up?
→ Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.