Language Jokes — best jokes

What happened to the Pope when he visited Mount Olive?
→ Popeye almost killed him.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
→ A nervous wreck.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.

- Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.

- Would you spell that, please?

- Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.

The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."

- Information. Can I help you?

- I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please.

- One moment, please. Pause. I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild.

- I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.

- Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!

- That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore.

what do you get when a chicken cross the road falls in the dirt and then recrosses
→ a dirty crosser

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

A man walks into a shoe store... ...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.