Kids Jokes — best jokes

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

- Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

- Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

- Homer: Why you little -- !

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."

To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
→ Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."