Kids Jokes — best jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

- Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

- Nurse: No change yet.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- What does the cow say?

- Moo!

- Great! What does the cat say?

- Meow.

- Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.

"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

"Where the hell am I?"

A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

"Well, what the hell happened to me?"

"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"