Kids Jokes — best jokes

- Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?

- Son: I couldn't find a spider.

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?
→ It has a rattle.

What was the policeman's baby's first words?
→ Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!

Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?
→ She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said:

- All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now.

The mother went in and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say:

- All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue:

- For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added:

- For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:

- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!

Mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.

Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint:

- what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night - she asked?

All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled:

- Jesus Christ! Spit it out, it's Asshole!

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says:

- Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says:

- NONE!

The teacher replies:

- None, how do you figure that?

The little boy says:

- If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.

The teacher replies:

- Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says:

- Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies:

- Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies:

- Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.

- Officer: What's your name?

- Shut Up: Shut Up.

- Officer: What's your name?

- Shut Up: Shut Up.

- Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

- Shut Up: Shut Up!

- Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?

- Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.

- Officer: Where's your Manners?

- Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.