Kids Jokes — best jokes

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening:

- A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex.

Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.

- How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?

- Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said:

- Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a cigar?

Once again, Grandpa asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said:

- Then your not man enough to have a cigar.

A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked:

- Can I have a cookie?

The boy asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

Grandpa replied:

- Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!

The boy replied:

- Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was:

- Yes.

Asked how she used it, she said:

- To assist sexual intercourse.

The interviewer was amazed.
He said:

- I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?

- Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her:

- Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.

She says:

- I know. I'm gonna get boobs too.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says:

- Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

The entire class says:

- Hello Mrs. Prussy.

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher:

- I remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

- That's right! - she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says:

- Mrs. Crunt?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said:

- the leaves on the trees are absolutely green - the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year.

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said:

- well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said - but what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie - but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.