Gender Jokes — best jokes

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law

Girl Lingo:

• The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
• The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
• The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
• The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
• The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
• The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
• Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
• The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
• The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
• The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
• The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
• Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
• The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
• The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.

Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.

Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.

Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

• 10:00 Wake up
• 10:02 Oral sex
• 10:10 Big Breakfast
• 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 Enormous lunch
• 3:15 Oral sex
• 3:25 Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
• 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 Oral sex
• 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
• 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
• 11:10 Sleep

Reasons computers must be male

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
→ Put the remote between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.