Gender Jokes — best jokes

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See..... blue booties"

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT???"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

10. Cats' facial expressions
11. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
12. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
13. Fat clothes
14. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
15. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
16. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
17. Eyelash curlers
18. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window. Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air. Pulls up to a 7 -11. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer. Curses the night. Curses you. Curses the large slurpee. Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary. Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside.. And of course you're still lost.

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition. Don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Men can never catch women checking out other men. Women will always catch men checking out other women.