Farming Jokes — best jokes

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

"Third Bull: "Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.

I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, "We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks."

"Okay," the man says. "I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm." "We pronounce it rubbit," says the clerk. "Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home."

"We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear."

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, "Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?"

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs?" said the man.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special...you have to eat 'em real slow."

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown! "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

• 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
• COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
• FREE PUPPIES: PART COCKER SPANIEL - PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
• GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
• FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
• BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
• FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
• GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
• COMMUNITY HEADLINE: ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!
• GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said, "Hey, that's a nice donkey you got there. I think I'll take it."

The farmer replied, "That's not a donkey, that's an ass."

So, the man said, "Okay, then, I'll take the ass." Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said, "I like that chicken. I'll take it too."

The farmer replied, "That is a pullet."

So the man said, "Okay, I'll take the pullet."

He was looking at a rooster and said, "Well, I guess I'll take the rooster, too."

The farmer replied, "That's not a rooster, it's a cock."

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man's truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him, "Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he'll go again."

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says, "Can I help you?"

The man replies, "Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"