Elderly Jokes — best jokes

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

- Really? - said the doctor.

- You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?

The old man says:

- OK, doc. I'll think about it.

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

- Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.

The doctor nods knowingly and says:

- So you took my advice and took in a boarder?

The old man winked and said:

- Yep. And she's pregnant too!

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked:

- Sir, what's that on your shoulder?

The old farmer said:

- That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.

- I'm sorry sir. - said the ticket agent

- We don't allow animals in the theater.

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

- Marge - whispered Mildred.

- What - said Marge.

- I think this guy next to me is a pervert. - said Mildred

- What makes you think that - asked Marge

- He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out - whispered Mildred

- Well, don't worry about it - said Marge

- At our age we've seen them all.

- I thought so - said Mildred

- But this one is eating my popcorn.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall,
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall.

I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn't understand.

Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:

- Super Pussy!

The old man says:

- I'll have the soup.

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

- One: Whew, it's windy today!

- Two: No. Today's Thursday!

- Three: So am I! Let's go to a bar!

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.

While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him:

- So how has life been treating you?

The old man replies:

- The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off.

While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied:

- Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat:

- How are you, Tom? - asked Marvin.

- I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted - Tom replied.

- I pulled a muscle and it's killing me.

- That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though.

- Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times....

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.

- Oh darling! - she squeals with delight.

- Does that mean five times?

- No - says the old fellow.

- it means that you can pick one out.