Elderly Jokes — best jokes

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.

- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.

- How?

- I hid his teeth.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. - Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... - Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. - Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. - John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. - Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. - Geoffrey Parfitt