Drunks — best jokes

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.

"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."

They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and your registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't."

"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" the officer asked.

"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."

"Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"

The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
13. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
14. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
15. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
16. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
17. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
18. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
19. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
20. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
21. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
22. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
23. No, YOU assume the position.

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
→ You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

You should "never" drink during tax season.

"You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."

The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."

Safety Tip: Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"