Drunks — best jokes

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe?
→ It's fucking close to water!

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Sign seen in a bar:"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?
→ The Woman's, she should of never left the kitchen!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........

"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..."

"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"

"and do a handstand..."

"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"