Doctor Jokes — best jokes

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

A young woman said to her doctor,

- You have to help me, I hurt all over.

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe.

- Ow, even THAT hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it."

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.

- Doctor: What happened to you?

- I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!

- But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!

- Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass."