Doctor Jokes — best jokes

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

- Give me the bad news first.

- You've got AIDS.

- Oh, no! What could be worse than that?

- You've also got Alzheimer's Disease.

- Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS.

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii.

As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, "Look at the legs among that group."

"Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "But I'm a chest man myself."

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, "Problems?" he said.

"Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. "I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it."

"So what did you do?" said the doctor.

"We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!! But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."

The second one says, "That big or that green?"

The first one says, "That Sour."

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

• "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
• "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
• "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
• "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
• "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."