Doctor Jokes — best jokes

- Dentist: Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams.

- Patient: Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time.

- Dentist: Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4.

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.

"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...
GAY???"

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend asked.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought, "This is unusual."

The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."

Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.

They had the following conversation:

- Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"

- Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
→ When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam?".

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential."

So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?"

"Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment."

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient.

"Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."