Random joke from this category
I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.
And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says, 'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.' - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.
A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back."
The old man replied, "So did my arthritis!"
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him.
"Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . . "
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.
- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.
- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!
- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER
- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?
- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...
- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...
- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.
- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?
- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.
- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...
- Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?
- Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.
- Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me!
- Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.
- Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!
- Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast. A light turned red. Shep hit the gas. We hit a car, it hit two more. Soon the total rose by four. Another bang! Another crash! But we couldn't stay, we had to dash! We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!
- Carter: These people really are a mess! Their injuries I cannot guess! It makes me sick, my knees are weak, A toilet I must soon go seek...
- Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes! It doesn't get worse than this you know! To Trauma four let's take these three. You can do it, come with me!
- Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table. To save his life if we are able!
- Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic! I can't find a pulse... oh, wait I've got it! But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!
- Doug: Give him saline! IV push! CBC, chem 7, stat! We will save him, bet on that! Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion! Lydia, start a blood transfusion!
- Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say. The blood bank didn't come today! We're out of blood, I can't believe!
- Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)
- Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash! Someone's heart stopped with a flash! But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.
- Susan: What can I do, where can I go? I'm not incompetent you know! I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!
- Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok. We're sending him up on his way. To surgery he's off to go, They must sew up that bullet hole. But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts... We had to take a dozen quarts.
- Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all. I used a double breasted suture saw. I closed them up, I fixed their ills. I patched their wounds, I gave them pills. I have their livers in this sack. I did it all, behind my back. I need more patients, give me more! I just cured three, now give me four!
- Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all? I saw some blood. I took a fall. But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!
- Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
→ She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
