Doctor Jokes — best jokes

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

After making love, the woman said to the man, "So, you're a doctor?"

"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."

"Ummm... I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."

"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.

"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing."

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.

"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies.

"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"

"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!"

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, "There's lots of openings!"