Doctor Jokes — best jokes

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snowman.

- Keep cool!

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a python.

- Oh you can't get round me like that, you know.

- Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself.

- Why is that?

- I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

- Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!

- Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!

- Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor?

- Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

- Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty.

- Then you'd better buy a little pig.

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"