Doctor Jokes — best jokes

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
→ With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

- There's something wrong with my hot dogs.

- Sorry, I'm a waiter, not a veterinarian.

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then?'!

- Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.

- Drink this glass of water.

- Will it make me better?

- No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
→ He wanted to improve his bite.

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

- Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?

- Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

- Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

- Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

- Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?