Doctor Jokes — best jokes

- Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces.

- Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that.

- Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.

- Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces.

- Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help."
"Yes I do," said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!"

What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?
→ A docs-hund!

Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?
→ The tomato was in a can.

"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite, haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"

- Doctor: Good news, you passed your hearing test!

- Patient: HUH

- Jack: My brother was sick and went to the doctor.

- John: Is he feeling better now?

- Jack: No, he has a broken arm.

- John: How did he break it?

- Jack: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.

- John: How did he break his arm?

- Jack: He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.

- The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

- Doctor: Yes, that is true.

- P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

- D: Yes, that is also true.

- P: So, in average, I live normally.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."