Dirty Jokes — best jokes

"Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper
"Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns
"Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love."

"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.

"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it."

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says...

"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Drink

• 17: beer
• 25: bourbon
• 35: vodka
• 48: double vodka
• 66: Maalox

Seduction Line

• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport

• 17: sex
• 25: sex
• 35: sex
• 48: sex
• 66: napping

Definition of a Successful Date

• 17: "tongue"
• 25: "breakfast"
• 35: "She didn't set back my therapy."
• 48: "I didn't have to meet her kids."
• 66: "Got home alive."

Favorite Fantasy

• 17: getting to third
• 25: airplane sex
• 35: menage a trois
• 48: taking the company public
• 66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?

• 17: 25
• 25: 35
• 35: 48
• 48: 66
• 66: 17

Ideal Date

• 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25: "Split the check before we go back to my place"
• 35: "Just come over."
• 48: "Just come over and cook."
• 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.
19. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.