Dirty Jokes — best jokes

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.

How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.

How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

Why did the condom fly across the room??
→ It got pissed off!!!

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman?
→ Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest?
→ Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills?
→ A Humanitarian.

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:

- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you

and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic.

- What seems to be the matter?

- Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.

- Let me have look.

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

- Thank goodness - she said.

- What was the matter?

- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.

Looking shocked she asked:

- Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:

- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:

- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man:

- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Pakistani man replied:

- Just try them on.

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:

- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying:

- What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said:

- But officer this is my wife.

The officer said:

- Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.

The man said:

- Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.