Dirty Jokes — best jokes

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life: "When it all boils done to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one must live by a dog's rule of life": "If you can't eat it or fuck it...

PISS ON IT!"

The boss of a large company says to his protege: "I'm transferring you to the northern office."

The protege says: "But that place is full of whores and football players!"

The boss replies: "My wife used to live there!"

The protege quickly responds: "Really?? What position does she play?"

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?

Yea, I guess it was labeled a "No Open Fly" zone!

How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three. Two to screw it in, and one to confirm that light began while they were screwing.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, of course not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

Why did the hamster cross the road?
→ Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"