Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?
→ You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette saidthat her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Headand Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders?"

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms, and asks how he knew.

"Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands."

"That's very clever!" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

"Wow, how did you guess?" he asked.

"I didn't feel a thing!" she replied.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?"

The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."

The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"

The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small."

The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"

The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"

The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."