Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What is grosser than gross?
→ Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?
→ Two Test Tickles

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"

"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?"

"Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!"

What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand?
→ A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......

By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around.

Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.