Dirty Jokes — best jokes

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.

"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says.

"How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts.

"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."

What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

• Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
• Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
• The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
• Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
• You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
• Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
• Your legs are skinnier than mine.
• You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
• You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
• You have a hairy back.
• I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
• The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
• The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
• You still live with your parents.
• Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
• Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
• Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
• Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
• Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
• I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"

My wife and I are into S & M
She Sleeps and I masturbate