Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
→ A grapefruit!

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? He asks.

- Three knots, she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
→ When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

What is the definition of an overbite?
→ When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says:

- Doctor, I want to put her on the pill.

The Doctor says:

- Why?!? Is she sexually active?

The guy says:

- Nah, she just lies there like her mother.

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.

He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.

"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"