Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What do a meteorologist in a snowstormand a woman's sex life have in common?

They're both concerned with how manyinches and how long it will last.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

- Sergeant-Major! - the colonel shouted.

- Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

- Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave - the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

- Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replies.

- Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? - the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says:

- Sir. It's you he's fond of.

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!!"

Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
→ It's harder to pick up.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

- So, did you jump? - the father asked.

- Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

- Is that when you jumped? - asked the father.

- Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

- Did you jump then? - asked the father.

- I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

- So, did you jump?

- Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'

- So, did you jump? - asked the father.

- Well, a little, at first.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew:

- What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator:

- Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do? The navigator told him.

The captain replied:

- Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed:

- Good God man, where are your balls!!

With a smile the General said:

- I left them in Vietnam.

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said:

- Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?