Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Why don't polish women use vibrators?
→ It chips their teeth.

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
Ting-a-ling
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
Ting-a-ling
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
Ting-a-ling

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - said the Major.

He went to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

- 10:00 Make love

- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

- 10:00 Wake up

- 10:02 Oral sex

- 10:10 Big Breakfast

- 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

- 2:15 Enormous lunch

- 3:15 Oral sex

- 3:25 Play sports with the guys

- 4:30 Drink beer with the guys

- 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

- 6:40 Oral sex

- 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

- 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

- 11:10 Sleep

So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady:

- There ain't hardly no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked:

- What do you mean by that?

- Well - the first lady said - When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!

- Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

- Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

- Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

- Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

- Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.

- Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.

- Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

- Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.

- Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."

- Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)

- Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

- Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

- Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

- Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."

- Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:

- What do you like best about it?

- The artwork - says Robert.

- Very good. And you, Peter?

- Tits!

- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.