Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

- Are you the owner? - she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies. I'm just the manager.

- Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. - she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the manager - clearly aroused, he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him - she says - that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.

He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.

My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

- Before I die - the father says - I would like to see a woman naked.

So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says:

- Before I die I would like to see a man naked.

So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says:

- My God!! What is that for?

He says:

- You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

The nun replies:

- Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!

Which condom would you use....

- Nike Condoms: Just do it.

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

- Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

- Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

- New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

- California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

- Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

- KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

- Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

- Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

- Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

- The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

- General Electric: We bring good things to life!

- AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

- Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

- Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

- Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

- M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

- Chevron: use them? people do.

- Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

- MCI: for friends and family

- Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

- The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

- Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

- United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

- The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

- Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

- Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

- Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

- Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

- McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

- Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

- Burger King: Have it your way

- Dairy Queen: We treat you right

- AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

- Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman:

- I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests:

- Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.

She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman:

- That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...

- How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

Good girls say:

- thanks for a wonderful dinner...

Bad girls say:

- what's for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.