Random joke from this category
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said:
- That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?
The man looked up helplessly and said:
- The balcony!
The kid ran out of the burlesque show.
The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.
The kid said:
- My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"
5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!
What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....
YEEOOOOOOOUCH!
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:
- What the heck, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:
- What's the name of your penis?
- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:
- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?
- Other customer: Timex!
- First guy: Why Timex?
- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
- First guy: What's the name of your penis?
- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!
- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?
- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.
- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.
- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.
- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.
- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.
- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?
- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked:
- What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said:
- Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
- How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands.
- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?
About 40 students raise their hands.
- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?
3 students raise their hands.
- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says:
- Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says:
- Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost.
The student replies:
- Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'
