Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

- What's the matter? - asked his wife.

- Did I hurt you?

- No - replies the man.

- but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom:

- This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot:

- Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

- Well - says the skipper.

- First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - splat - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says:

- No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says:

- Whatcha doin' daddy?

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor.

- Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw - he says.

Little Johnny says:

- Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

- Tell her it's ok - says John.

- I already did them by hand.

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again:

- Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says:

- If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!

The second Alien replies:

- O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien:

- If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?

The second replies:

- I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says:

- We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks.

- Okay - the man says.

- I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.

- We pronounce it rubbit - says the clerk.

- Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.

- We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear.

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks:

- Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?

Confucius says: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:

- What's wrong with you?

The small guy says:

- Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says:

- Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

- What the fuck was that? - The Mayor of Hiroshima

- Look at all these fucking Indians - General Custer

- Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs! - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun - John Lennon

- The fucking throttle's stuck - Donald Campbell

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Heads are going to fucking roll - Henry VIII

- Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out - King Harold

- Scattered showers my fucking ass - Noah

- Where the fuck have you been? - Stanley to Livingston

- Can you smell fucking gas? - Captain of the Hindenburg

- Fuck you Brutus! - Julius Caeser

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.