Dirty Jokes — best jokes

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."4. "Sorry about the mess..."3. "Look at the size of that thing!"2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

- Put your hands between my legs to warm them up - offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks:

- Aren't your ears cold too?

The judge said to Mickey "I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy" and Mickey said, "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said:

- Clitoris licking frog available.

Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying:

- Please ring for service

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter:

- Bonjour madame

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says:

- Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:

- What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said:

- Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

- Well - says Mr. Big.

- What did he say?

She says he said:

- Fuck You!

Mr. Big replied:

- You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied:

- He said Fuck You!

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.