Christmas Jokes — best jokes

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
→ Subordinate clauses!

Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military

9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
10. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
11. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
12. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
13. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
14. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
15. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
16. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
17. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

- Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

- Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.

- That's not why it's there.

- Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

- It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

WHY IS AN IMPOTENT MAN LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?
→ THEY BOTH HAVE BALLS FOR DECORATION

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

"Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."

A girl gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on one thigh and a turkey on the other. She wants to show that there is something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.