Christmas Jokes — best jokes

• Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
• Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
• Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
• Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses
• Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
• Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
• Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why
• Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely
• Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
• Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
11. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
12. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
13. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
14. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
15. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
16. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
17. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
18. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
19. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands, "Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!" To this his mother replies, "Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal."

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, "I believe it's snowing". "No, it looks too wet to be snow," he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!"

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!"
18. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
19. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

What does a black boy get for Christmas?
→ Your Bike.

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?
→ The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!