Bar Jokes — best jokes

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, "My cock is longer than that cat's tail."

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?"

"From the asshole." says the bartender.

"Well, kindly do me the same favor."

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
→ Dumbbells.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."