Aviation Jokes — best jokes

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says:

- Tail gunner to pilot... Tail gunner to pilot..

The eagle says:

- what do you want?

The mouse asks how high up they are.

The eagle thinks for a moment and then says:

- ohh about 5,000 ft.

The mouse then replies:

- You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other:

- Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?

The other replies:

- Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stew?

"Yes, I'm fine." said the man.

Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..

"Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"Whats wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says:

- You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said:

- Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:

- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:

- God Save The Queen - and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:

- Viva La France - and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:

- Remember the Alamo - and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

- Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? - she asked.

- No, thanks - replied the vultures.

- They're carrion.