At Work — best jokes

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked ashard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three treesin a day.

His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybehis chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was workingfine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"

The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the reportsent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numberedlines.

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."

My lawyer."

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave ... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think."

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.

"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.

However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,"Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."

"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.

They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full yet."

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potentialemployee's application and notices that the man has neverworked in retail before.

He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you arecertainly asking for a high wage."

"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harderwhen you don't know what you'redoing!"

MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!