Animal Jokes — best jokes

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
→ There was money in the kitty.

Where do bees keep their money?
→ In a honey box.

What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says:

- Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing.

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said:

- If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.

Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked:

- What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The warrant officer said:

- Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting:

- I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!

The shopkeeper replied:

- By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same.

So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water.

- They must be the two Marines - he thought.

Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed:

- Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade, Sir!

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
→ Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
→ You know you need a psychiatrist!

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leading a kangaroo.

- I'm worried about my husband, doctor - she said.

- He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo!