Animal Jokes — best jokes

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out."

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.

"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."

As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.

The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.

"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.

"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

How do you make a cat drink?

1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix then serve

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:

- So, why the long face?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
→ I'd have to say it was the rooster!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
→ Because they can.