Animal Jokes — best jokes

Why does a dog lick his balls?
→ Because he can't make a fist.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

- I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.

- Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up!

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
→ Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

Here's a sad one...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.

Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.