Animal Jokes — best jokes

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One said to the other: 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

What has four legs and eight arms?
→ A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog's dead!!!"

A Duck walks into a bar.

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread

[After a few minutes]

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: Look, we don't have any bread

[In a little while]

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!

[Some time later]

- Duck: Got any bread?

- Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar..................

- Duck: You got any nails?

- Barman: NO!

- Duck: You got any bread?

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
→ A bull smiles when you milk it.

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?
→ Fake an orgasm.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!