Animal Jokes — best jokes

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

- I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.

- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

- What are ye doing? - asked O'Bannon.

- Fishin' - said MacAndrews.

- Caught anything?

- Ach, nae a bite,

- What are ye usin' fer bait?

- Worms

- Let me see it - said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

- Have ye got a bite? - asked O'Bannon.

- No! - shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, - The worm's got a salmon by the throat!

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

- Aidan - said the neighbor.

- I never knew you were so strong.

- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in - and visa versa.
6. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
7. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I'm in a bad mood)
8. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
16. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
17. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
20. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
21. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
22. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
23. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
24. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
25. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.
26. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
27. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
    January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
28. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:

- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.

- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.

- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!

Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!

How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!

Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!