Animal Jokes — best jokes

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.

What do elephants use for condoms?
→ Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
→ Epileptic pigmies.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
→ 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
→ There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ?
→ His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
→ A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away his credit card.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
→ A two-ton pickup.

What did the female elephant say during sex?
→

- Can I be on top this time?

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
→ Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
→ Wipe it off!

Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
→ None of the offspring survived.

How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
→ VERY attractive.

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
→ The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
→ Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
→ He stamped it to death and then said:

- Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
→ Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
→ Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
→ Lots of room.

What's grey and comes in quarts?
→ An elephant.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
→ Swim for your life!!

Why do elephants lay on their backs?
→ To trip low flying canaries.

Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
→ He wasn't laying on his back.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
→ Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
→ Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
→ Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
→ Slow pygmies.

How to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop him a line!

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other:

- Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said:

- I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said:

- I would like to have one too! When I said:

- But this is a dog - he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said:

- You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied:

- You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said:

- But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said:

- You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night - and the clerk said - Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said:

- Show off!

I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said:

- Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married - and the Judge said - Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said:

- Me too.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me:

- What seems to be the trouble?

I replied:

- Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely.

The doctor said:

- Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
→ They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said:

- Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!

The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

- I'm not really sure - said the other guy - they both look similar.

- QUICK! Make up your mind! - said the ranger.

- O.K. - said the other - it was the male.

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

- But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend? - the other man asked.

- Well - said the ranger...

- I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

- No - she says,

- they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.