Animal Jokes — best jokes

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a 'professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1. How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

2. How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

3. The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
   → The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

4. You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?
   → You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
→ Lipstick.

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other:

- We'll have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks:

- But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says:

- We'll just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says:

- You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.

- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked:

- Hey! What do you have in the bag?

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says:

- Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one.

The man says:

- I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

- Don't cry, little one. - replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and POOF, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing.

- I don't know where the wizard is - he sobbed.

- Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad - said the good witch.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
→ There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
→ Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
→ To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
→ A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
→ Bloody great holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
→ Elephino.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
→ Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
→ So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
→ To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.