Animal Jokes — best jokes

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:

- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said:

- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?

The guy says:

- Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep, and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail, he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said:

- For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!

The parrot laughed and said:

- Sic him!

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:

- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?

Her mother glared back at her and said:

- Don't talk about your father that way!

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.

The woman smiled:

- So what?

The neighbor was surprised:

- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?

The woman replied:

- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.

Who needs a man!...

My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied:

- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

- Well - replied the man.

- she must have had a lot of friends.

- Nope - said the farmer.

- we all just want to buy his mule.

There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.

So he said to the lady:

- Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat.

Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied:

- You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!

So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog:

- Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?

Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one:

- You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodles!

So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily:

- Move your mutt lady!

The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.

Finally he'd had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said:

- You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!

- You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:

- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?