Animal Jokes — best jokes

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked:

- Is anything happening?

The doctor replied:

- Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.

The vet said:

- okay

and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet.

- How did things go while I was gone?

- Pretty good.

- Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?

- Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine.

- Did you have any trouble?

- Well, there was just one little problem.

- What was that?

- I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.

The doctor replied:

- No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist:

- Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck:

- Will that be cash or charge?

The duck replies:

- Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says:

- Do you want me to also put them on your bill?

The duck says:

- Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!

- Psychiatrist: What is your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?

- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:

- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!